Friday, 10 June 2011

I can breathe!!!

Well sort of! I can certainly smell again which to be honest I'm taking as a positive move in the right direction. I managed to get up and out before 9 today , take my daughter to school AND get a repeat blood test all with out collapsing! Oh and drink a glass of water without vomitting! It's all good baby! Okso it's now 10 am and I am back on my sofa feeling a bit queasy but small steps and all that. I've been thinking lots this week about how easily my attitude switches from positive to despair. Thank goodness I have nothing serious wrong with me if a simple head cold can have me wailing like a baby and begging for mummy to come hold me! Am I just weak do you think? I know that when need be I can really step up to plate , for example when my youngest was 7 weeks old , oldest was 19 months and my hubby broke both arms I rarely broke down and really got on with things. This week however I have collapsed in a heap and been ready to quit. Can I only deal with other peoples trauma and not my own? Weird. What ever the reason something needs to be done. With over 8 weeks left til my due date I absolutely cannot go around like a dying duck the whole time. I NEED to find some solution to my problem. Already I have begun to cut my self off from my friends, my support network. Cancelling friends who plan to visit. Not answering the phone, not replying to texts. From experience I know that it doesn't take long for even the most dedicated of friends to move on and stop trying. So how do I stop this retreat into myself? I'm going to give myself today. After all I am actually sick. From Monday tho I need to start forcing myself back out there. Before it's too late and yet again I have lost everyone.

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