Feeling stressed

Getting my life balance is so very tricky. I want to continue doing the things that make me feel good , make me feel like me . Yet I feel so very guilty a lot of the time. Shouldn't I be giving up my hobbies etc to concentrate on my children who are after all now my life? However if I give up on 'my' stuff what will I do once the children grow up and move on? Won't it be too late then to pick up where I left off? If I give up singing til my youngest is 16 I'll be in my mid forties !! How many opportunities will be available to me then? I'm feeling tired and unwell this week.I know this is because I went out at the weekend and rehearsed on Monday. If I'd just stayed at home with my babies I would be ok. Am I being punished for wanting a life. Or am I just being hysterical because I'm tired. I moaned to some online friends this week , I normally try to stay positive. I was told , in jest I think, to shut up. And now I feel upset and cross. Gah they were right to tell me to shut up I'm getting on my own nerves!!

The Internet is taking over my life! Again!!

I am attached to my iPod ALL DAY! I'm getting nothing done and I've got to be honest i am driving myself insane. I should be sleeping right now but here I am online again. So I've gone to bed iPod in hand BUT with very little battery. I intend to use it til the battery dies tonight and then leave it locked in my bedroom all day tomorrow to stop me logging in. I wonder if this will work? Somethings got to give because I'm am neglecting my real life in favour of my virtual one and it has to stop! Wish me luck folks!

Self Sabotage

Do you ever feel like you are your own worse enemy? I know I certainly do. Sometimes when things get hard instead of working to make my life easier I instead try to make my life harder. I take on too many tasks , things that are not my responsibility . I start new projects before I've completed the last. I focus on things I think I can control so that I stop thinking about things I can't . That last one doesn't seem to be a bad thing if I'm honest but I sometimes need to just let things happen rather than control it all. Right now this is something I need to remind myself.

My childrens art!

Sharing just because I can :)

Breastfeeding and me .

I have a love hate relationship with breastfeeding. All three of my children have been breastfed albeit for varying amount of times. My first never seemed to stop. She wanted to be attached to me constantly . We are talking 3 hour feeds! If I'm honest I felt like a human dummy! It was with some relief that I stopped before Tegan was 2 months old. She was only gaining 2 or 3oz a week and when the health visitor suggested topping up with formula to boost her weight gain I took that to mean that my milk wasn't good enough. So that was that. My second baby wasn't interested! Seriously from day one I had to force him to feed and he would only nurse for ten minutes max. Again his weight gain was slow and top ups were suggested. This time tho I was determined to carry on so I expressed milk daily and topped him up with that instead of formula. Euan was breastfed until just before his first birthday . He self weaned , no amount if coaxing would get that boy to nurse for longer . So again that was that!
So now I'm on baby number 3. Mason breastfeeds like a pro. He feeds for a reasonable amount of time. His latch is great and I experience very little discomfort ( I had to resort with breast sheilds with the other two ) . As for weight gain? Well I don't know as I haven't had him weighed in a couple of weeks but he regained his birth weight by day 10 so I'm guessing he is doing just fine!
The thing is tho .... I don't like it! I always assumed that it was down to various issues we were experiencing before. This time no issues but it still makes me feel , well, icky! I feel a bit suffocated while he nurses. I feel irritated and ansty. I dislike the leaking, I can't stand breast pads. I feel like I constantly smell milky. Bleurgh! I don't like nursing bras. I don't like having to wear easy access clothes! However I DO like the conveinience , I DO like knowing that I am providing for my son. I do like those milky drunk baby smiles at the end of a feed. I will continue to breastfeed, of course I will! But am I the only person in the world who DOESN'T love it ? I mean I know there are people who switch to formula because it doesn't work out. Or this that never start because they don't like the idea or whatever. But is there anyone else out there who doesn't like it but breastfeeds anyway?

Easily Distracted

Mason has been earthside for almost 3 weeks and I am still finding him insanely distracting in the best possible way! Lots and lots of projects that need to be completed, half written blog posts to be posted not to mention the usual housework and day to day tasks. All I want to do is sit gazing at my son , stroking his face , breathing in his smell , enjoying him . One day ( far too soon) I will have to re enter the real world and get on with things but right now I'm happy to stay enclosed in my family bubble where the only thing that matters is my children , my husband and me. Not every moment is easy and I have already made some tentative steps back to reality but forgive me if I am in no real rush! If your waiting for something from me , please remind me , I almost certainly have forgotten. I'll be back soon I promise x